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Introduction
Anger.
We all experience it, yet we aren’t given the skills necessary to combat it. For the majority of our lives, we don’t actually know how to properly deal with angering emotions. Should we calm ourselves down? Should we just let it happen and eventually let it fade away? Or should we fight it one on one? What are we really supposed to do?
For a majority of my life, I was told to fight it one on one, and just stop it. And, without making any absurd assumptions, you too can probably reach a similar conclusion.
However, recently I’ve learned something. That was the lesson that anger is ok. Being upset is ok. It’s a human emotion that makes us who we are. Sure, it doesn’t make us unique; because billions -or even trillions- of other organisms on this beautiful planet experience it too. But, it does make us human. The last thing any of us would wanna be is a robot that isn’t sad, nor mad, nor happy, nor scared, nor anything. They are just existing.
Aside from that, it’s time to really get to the answer to this question. This post is a short one. So let’s make the most of it.
How You Should Really Respond To Anger
There are two options that we’ll be discussing in this post. Early on, in the title, remember how we mentioned how we’d combat anger? Well, guess what? That’s one of the options that we’ll be discussing. The other one is letting it happen. The goal here is to find the obviously better option.
Option #1: Combating Anger
Imagine this. There is a male whose name is Jacob. He recently saw that his friend group excluded him from an event; yet, he has no clue as to why. He believes that they don’t like him, and starts experiencing loads of negative thoughts. He is upset, and now has to make a decision.
What should he do with this angering emotion inside of him?
His choice? To combat it.
Exemplar Scenario
- Acknowledgment: He admits to himself that he’s angry and hurt, which is the first step in dealing with these emotions.
- Calming Techniques: Before taking any action, Jacob uses deep breathing exercises to calm his physiological response to anger.
- Reflection: He takes time to reflect on the situation, considering if there have been any recent changes in the dynamics with his friends or any actions on his part that might have led to this outcome.
- Direct Communication: Once calm, Jacob reaches out to one of his friends, someone he trusts and feels comfortable talking with. He expresses his feelings without accusation: “I noticed I wasn’t included in the event. I’m feeling a bit left out and would like to understand if there’s a reason why.”
- Active Listening: When his friend responds, Jacob listens carefully without interrupting, trying to understand their perspective.
- Seeking Resolution: Based on the conversation, Jacob seeks to resolve any misunderstandings or issues. If it was a misunderstanding, they clear it up. If there was a problem, he discusses possible ways to move forward.
- Self-Care: After the conversation, regardless of the outcome, Jacob engages in self-care, like going for a run or watching his favorite movie, to boost his mood and self-esteem.
Now, let’s switch it up. This time, he’ll choose to let his anger pass by rather than directly fighting it.
Option #2: Letting His Anger Pass By
- Observation: Jacob acknowledges his feelings of anger and exclusion but opts not to react impulsively. He allows himself to feel these emotions without judgment.
- Distraction and Engagement: He distracts himself with other activities, such as going to the gym or diving into a hobby that he enjoys, channeling his energy into something positive.
- Social Support: Jacob decides to spend time with family or other friends who are not part of the group that excluded him, reinforcing his social network and sense of belonging.
- Mental Shift: He practices a mental shift, reminding himself that not every action of others is a reflection of his worth or their feelings toward him.
- Acceptance: Over time, Jacob comes to accept that social slights happen and doesn’t attribute too much significance to this one event.
- Passive Reflection: After some time has passed and his emotions are less raw, Jacob thinks back on the event with a clearer mind, considering if there’s anything to be learned from the experience.
- Moving On: He decides to let go of the anger and instead focuses on building his self-esteem and nurturing relationships with those who make him feel appreciated and included.
The Better Option
We aren’t the type to do this. But, what I’m gonna leave you here with is the understanding that this isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. Because, that’s not true. No method is necessarily better than the other. They fit different people and suit certain situations more than others.
Combatting Anger Directly might be better if:
- Jacob values open and honest communication and believes there may have been a misunderstanding that can be clarified.
He has a strong relationship with his friends and trusts that they can have a constructive conversation.
He feels that not addressing the issue would lead to lingering resentment and affect the friendship negatively.
Letting Anger Pass By might be more effective if:
- Jacob feels that the situation isn’t significant enough to warrant a confrontation.
- He prefers to maintain peace and doesn’t believe that a conversation would change the outcome or improve relationships.
- He’s introspective and typically finds that time helps him gain perspective, making him less reactive to perceived slights.
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How To Combat Anger
Step 1: Recognize and Acknowledge Your Anger
- Identify the Signs: Notice the physical signs of anger (e.g., clenching your fists, feeling your heart rate increase, tension) and emotional signs (e.g., feeling irritable, resentful).
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: Admit to yourself that you are angry. Recognition is the first step toward effective management.
Step 2: Pause and Isolate
- Take a Timeout: Before reacting, take a brief break. If you’re in a heated situation, step away to prevent an impulsive response.
- Create Space: Find a quiet place to calm down. Physical distance from the trigger can prevent the situation from escalating.
Step 3: Employ Calming Techniques
- Deep Breathing: Practice slow, deep breaths. Inhale for a count of four, hold for four, and exhale for four. This helps calm the nervous system.
- Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense and then relax different muscle groups, which can help reduce physical tension associated with anger.
Step 4: Analyze the Source of Anger
- Reflect on the Cause: Think about what specifically triggered your anger. Understanding the “why” is crucial for addressing the root cause.
- Consider External vs. Internal Factors: Determine if the anger is caused by external situations (others’ actions) or internal thoughts (personal expectations, past experiences).
Step 5: Express Your Anger Constructively
- Use “I” Statements: Communicate your feelings clearly and directly without blaming others. For example, say, “I feel upset when I am interrupted because it makes me feel disrespected.”
- Be Specific: Clearly state what is bothering you and why.
- Discuss Possible Solutions: Focus on what can be done to resolve the issue rather than dwelling on the problem.
Step 6: Reflect and Learn
- Evaluate the Outcome: After addressing the anger, consider whether the approach was effective. What worked well, and what didn’t?
- Journaling: Writing about your experiences with anger can help you understand your triggers and reactions better.
Step 7: Practice Regular Self-care
- Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Regularly make time for hobbies and interests that relax and recharge you.
- Exercise: Physical activity can reduce stress that may lead to anger.
- Meditation and Mindfulness: These practices can increase your emotional resilience and make you less prone to anger.
How To Let Anger Do Its Thing
Step 1: Acknowledge and Observe Your Anger
- Self-Recognition: Notice when you’re feeling angry. Acknowledge these feelings without immediate reaction.
- Mindful Observation: Allow yourself to feel angry and notice where in your body you experience this emotion, what thoughts are running through your mind, and how you are inclined to react.
Step 2: Distraction and Positive Engagement
- Engage in a Distracting Activity: Redirect your energy into activities that you find absorbing and enjoyable. This could be anything from exercise, reading, crafting, to playing music.
- Physical Exercise: If possible, involve some form of physical activity like walking, jogging, or yoga. This helps to reduce the physiological symptoms of anger.
Step 3: Seek Social Support
- Connect with Others: Spend time with friends or family who are not involved in the situation that caused your anger. Social interactions can provide comfort and distract you from negative emotions.
- Express Emotions Indirectly: Talk about how you’re feeling in a context that is supportive and non-judgmental, without necessarily focusing on the anger or the event that triggered it.
Step 4: Implement a Mental Shift
- Reframe Your Perspective: Remind yourself that not all actions are meant as personal affronts. Try to see the situation from different angles or as an outsider might.
- Cognitive Restructuring: Challenge and change your thoughts about the event. Replace critical or negative thoughts with more balanced and constructive ones.
Step 5: Practice Acceptance
- Accept the Event: Recognize that events will not always go as expected and that social slights are a part of life. Accepting these facts can reduce the emotional charge.
- Let Go of Control: Understand that you cannot control other people’s actions, only your response to them.
Step 6: Passive Reflection
- Reflect When Calmer: Once your emotions have cooled, think back over the event more objectively. What might you learn from what happened? How could you handle similar situations in the future?
- Insight Gain: Use this time to consider any patterns in your reactions or the situations that trigger your anger.
Step 7: Moving On
- Focus on Personal Growth: Shift your focus towards personal development activities that build your self-esteem and enrich your life.
- Nurture Positive Relationships: Strengthen relationships with people who make you feel valued and appreciated.
Step 8: Ongoing Mindfulness and Awareness
- Practice Regular Mindfulness: Engage in regular mindfulness exercises that enhance your ability to remain present and less reactive to future triggers.
- Emotional Preparedness: Develop strategies in advance for handling situations that might trigger anger, using insights from your passive reflections.
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Personal Tip: There Are Some Things You Can’t Control
In life, we are tested. Each one of us has own our test; each with their own questions, requirements, expectations, and scoring systems. Inside of this test, their are plenty of questions (or what we’ll be renaming to ‘obstacles’ for the rest of this section) that you won’t be able to answer. You might be too lazy to even care. You might also have no clue what it’s even asking you, or how to even answer.
The result? You might get angry as a result. An obstacle is thrown at you, and your job is to somehow get across it. But, if you have no clue with how to deal with it, what are you even supposed to do? Good question.
The answer? Just let life happen. In reality, there are some things that are just meant to happen, and things that you cannot control. Your only job is to just let it happen, and get your stuff together afterwards.
Don’t blame yourself for something that wasn’t under your control.
Conclusion
Anger is a small part of our emotional wheel. Some of us know what to do when it arrives at our front door. Some of us don’t. Make the mistake of finding out what works for you, not avoiding it and letting it control you.
